I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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