I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
