she was so not down for the gang bang
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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