I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
