Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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