don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
