Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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