i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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