I'm so fucking centered right now
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
