i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
