matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
