You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
