Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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