I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Drake has all the answers
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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