I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
