Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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