This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Semen is not good for contacts.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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