your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
