Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
