every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
