he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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