anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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