Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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