I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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