It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
