so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
