the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
