It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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