you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize