I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She's the barista slut.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
