I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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