The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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