Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
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