Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
