My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
