Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
