Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
