Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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