the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
