Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
