Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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