Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
