I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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