Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
