Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
