I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
