I wish my penis had an off switch
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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