in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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