This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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