I think my fart just growled at me.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
