He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
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