did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
