You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
