guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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