so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
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all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
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I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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