Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
