You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
