i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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