my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
