my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
